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Currently Viewing Posts Tagged Funny

Vacation Blog

Here’s a “circus story” (I miss the circus, by the way) on what is real. Then you and I can figure out what it means.

A man badly needed a job, so he applied with the circus. The person hiring for the circus told him that there was only one job available. The monkey had recently died, and they needed someone to dress up in a monkey suit and climb in the cage. The man was so desperate that he took the “monkey job”.

His instructions were to scratch and jump around so that the folks wouldn’t know that he was a fake. After a while, he got so good at it that he even started swinging around on the tree in the cage. Soon he got too carried away, until by accident he swung over the top of the cage and fell into the lions’ den.

The man (monkey) began to cry out, “Help! Help!”. The old lion lying in the corner looked  at the monkey and whispered “shut up, you fool, or the crowd will know that we’re both fakes”.

I’m not sure why that story cracks me up, but I do know that it’s a reminder in life… just be real! Right?

A couple of blogs ago I mentioned that I needed a vacation. That was a clue! I will be back in a week. I promise to be ready to write! So I suppose that you are saying the following to me:

 

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A Story… Not Mesopotamia

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It just seems politically correct to start out the blog with a couple of rain pic o’s:

 

 

 

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Right?

Usually on Friday, I try to blog… without really blogging because I know you don’t need some long dissertation on what happened to the historical findings from the Mesopotamian rivers. “What?” Exactly!

Instead, just a story:

For Columbus Day, a teacher assigned her third-grade class the assignment of drawing one of Columbus’s three ships. Soon, one of the students walked to the front with his paper and asked if he could leave, because he had finished his assignment. The stunned teacher turned the student’s paper over to find one lone dot in the middle of the page.

“What’s that?” the teacher asked. The student replied, “That’s Columbus, way out to sea.”

Have a great weekend!!!!

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The Importance of Knowing “Ology”

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? Answer: 1Forrest1

That really has nothing to do with the blog. I just remembered it when one of my online accounts told me it was time to change my password. Just some randomness!

Today is a blog “story” that is a reminder to focus on what is important.

A college professor was traveling on a boat and stopped to talk to one of the sailors on board. He decided to strike up a conversation and wanted to know whether the sailor was educated. So he asked him, “Do you know Biology, Zoology, Geography or Physiology?”  The sailor answered no.

The professor became indignant, “Why don’t you try to better yourself. You will die of illiteracy?” After a while, the boat began to rock up and down because of the waves, and it scared the professor. Then, the scared professor asked the same sailor when the waves were going to calm down. The sailor replied, “Do you know swiminology and escapology, from sharkology?” The professor just looked confused and shook his head.

“Well”, said the sailor, “if I were you, I would focus on those topics because sharkology and crocodilogy will eat your buttology, headology and you will then learn the mistake of mouthology”. Boom!

 

So for our pic o’ day, it’s all about knowing what’s important!!!! 😉

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Some Wednesday Ramblings

First, because it’s Wednesday, it’s always a good day to stop and feel connected!

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I started blogging on Chinese honey (which might be tomorrow’s blog… who’s to say?) and just decided that I needed to do a U-turn for a different Wednesday blog. What have I read recently that made me laugh. Then it came to me like Nate the Great!

I decided to post some church bulletin announcements that probably made those congregations laugh:

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” – come early and listen to our choir practice.
• “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And for pic o’ day, I am reaching back to a past one as a reminder that I know that I will face lots of food temptations in November. A good mid-week workout reminder:

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Just Some Crazy

For a Friday, here’s a twister. Former Rolling Stones band member and bassist Bill Wyman married model Mandy Smith in 1989. At the  time of the marriage, Wyman’s son was engaged to Mandy Smith’s mother. In 1993, his son married Smith’s mother. This made Wyman his own step-grandfather as well as step-grandfather to his own wife. Now that’s a family twister for a Friday!

If that makes your head hurt, here something else to think about. The ancient Greek leader and politician, Pericles, was so self-conscious about his pointed head that he would only pose for portraits while wearing a helmet.

Have a great weekend!!

And here’s pic o’ day:

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First Grade Wisdom

Sometimes when I sit down to write the blog, I just sit there to write the blog. It reminds me of my birthday card from Dennis and Betty, that they gave me last month:

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But then I saw this listing of “finished proverbs” from first graders, and I knew that this had to be for the blog today! Wisdom from first grade:

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Half of Everything

Sometimes I receive a news article in my in-box that is “right-on-point” blog material. It even includes its own pic o’s for illustrations!  (that’s pictures for first time blog readers) So, here’s what I found.

From CNBC comes the story of a bad divorce. This man from Germany posted a video of how he decided to fairly give his wife one-half of everything they own. So, he decided to cut everything in half. Thankfully, there were no children!

First, their car:

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Then their joint cellphone:

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Then the couch:

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And the bike:

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And their bed:

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The landline home phone:

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Their laptop:

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And finally…. the teddy bear

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Reading Obits Including Flathead’s

I’ll admit it. I still read the obituary section. I read it when I read the “real newspaper” instead of reading it online.

Usually, an obituary is filled with praise and the value of a life. What I am about to write was one of those notations that almost didn’t make it to the blog. Then, I decided that I’ve done a few serious Long blogs in a row; So, I took the serious and let someone else write about it… in their own obituary.

Let’s turn to Michael “Flathead” Blanchard’s obit. I have posted it (here) from a Colorado paper; so you can read it in its entirety, if you don’t believe me. No, I wasn’t reading the obits way out there, but it’s one of those that garnered some attention. “Flathead” wrote the initial draft, so this is apparently how he wanted to be remembered. I just hope he was ready to meet his maker.

The cause of death in the Blanchard Obituary, is being “stubborn, refusing to follow doctors’ orders and raising H*** for six decades”. It lists his cat “Chopper” as his son. It notes that “many of his childhood friends that weren’t killed in Vietnam went on to be criminals, prostitutes and Democrats”.

It did credit him with being a community activist and that “he defended those who could not defend themselves”.  He was a Republican delegate, member of the National Rife Association and President of the Dead Cats MC. His obituary noted that the reason that it was unusual was that he was tired of reading obituaries about  “someone’s courageous battle with death”.

Honestly, I have only given a sample. There is a whole lot more.

Normally, I come to the end of the blog and try to add my two cents. His brother told the Denver Post that “He lived every minute to the fullest and then some”. The family decided to post the obituary on the one year anniversary of his death and to now hold a memorial service.  Maybe the morale of the story is that he should have followed his doctors’ orders. (that doesn’t count as my .02)

For pic o day, I thought I’d post one that shows teamwork and having fun!

Job Injuries Waiting to Happen

     The following photos were sent to me by email, with a caption of something about the”intelligence of men”. Most states recognize workers compensation claims for injuries that “arise out of and in the course of employment”. I’m guessing that some of the men in the photos may have qualified for workers compensation, at some point in their lives.

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